i gave up.

i dont even care to edit this essay or make it look fancy like i normally do. I’m just typing on my computer and whatever comes out comes out.

so here’s the thing about getting older — you start to see things in a different perspective like overnight. one day i was like fucking right, im gonna own a business, put it on social media, put myself out there on every platform, make myself known, make a name for myself, im gonna make new friends, im gonna let my guards down and meet people, etc. then the next? i was like fuck this.

now listen, i know a lot of people on here talk heavily about social media and why they left instagram, tiktok, facebook and came here. they have these amazing stories on why — they had some type of… shit what is that thing called when you realize something out of no where? what is that word? (checks google)

✨EPIPHANY✨ thats the word. Okay, so they have this epiphany… this “aha” moment… it all makes sense for them on why they need to get off of socials and they do it… probably never look back.

for me? it wasn’t an epiphany. it was a calculated, conscious decision. this decision was something that I sat with for weeks and weeks and weeks…. and weeks until i finally made it.

i know a few people are probably saying it in their heads — she always takes breaks from socials and comes back.. no. not this time. this time isn’t a break. it’s a severance. my time as the writer girl with locs and glasses on social media (except substack) has come to an end. i dont have some long drawn out story on why.. i just… i give up. i give up on that life of wanting to be seen and noticed by anyone. i want to create my own little world, live in my own little world, read books, touch grass, write and mind my business. that’s literally it. and im not willing to sacrifice my peace so that the internet can know who i am and what i do. im just done.

the noise of toxic social media apps has killed my creativity in so many ways because instead of creating… i was scrolling. i was comparing my life to those online. and before you say? well, why were you doing that? just stop.

im human. and humans do that. im not going to get on here and lie and tell you that i dont do certain things to make myself look perfect and like i have it all together. i get insecure sometimes. i compare myself to people online sometimes. i wonder “what if i had that” sometimes. it happens. i wasn’t using social media for what i intended to use it for — which was to promote my writing and that’s not what i was doing the entire time. i was trying to keep up. and that’s unlike me. i’ve never been that person at all. after these last two years on social media i stopped recognizing who i truly was. because I was doing things and thinking things that i never would’ve done or thought of had i not had these apps.

i was turning into someone that i never wanted to be. someone that tried to keep up with others. i couldn’t let myself go out like that.

so what am i doing now?

im living my life, finding myself, and rebuilding and reinventing who i intend to be in my 30s. this last year of my 20s will be the building block to the peaceful life i want to create offline.

so where can you find me? in the liminal spaces of the world. with a pen and a notebook. away from the chaos. away from the noise. you will also find me here on substack posting notes + essays. no more schedules. no more routine. just free writing whatever i want. but still expect your Sunday Newsletters + Thursday Night News Journals + my fiction stories!

i just give up on wanting the world to know who i am while also sacrificing my peace of mind and who i am at the core. thats all.

i’m free.