If I Heal

I think I’m afraid to heal

Because once I heal I’ll be heartless

Wait no..

Maybe I’ll just learn to use my heart less?

No.. wait no.

Dammit. Where was I?

Okay.

I think I’m afraid to heal.

Because once I heal I’ll be heartless

Once I heal I won’t be able to feel because I’ll guard my heart with pit bulls & an electric fence

Because the pain of life has been too intense

If I HEAL….. if I heal I won’t allow myself to feel.

The pain of life has put my mind so deep in the ground that I can’t even think

I can only hear my screams in my dreams

The very dreams that haunt me even when I’m awake

I’m constantly in my thoughts .. these thoughts I can’t escape

This numbness to this pain.. this numbness I can’t break.

I’m broken.

Yes. YES. I’m broken. Im scarred.

Even if I could run.. far, far away from this place im still a prison to my mind & the pain that I can’t escape.

I’m in prison.

I hold on to the people that have hurt me

I hold on to the pain that life has inflicted on me

It’s almost like it comforts me.

This pain.

It’s almost like.. I’m afraid to know a life without pain because I’m afraid to actually be happy.

I’m afraid to be happy because my anxiety will convince me that pain will be back one of these days to strip the happiness right from underneath my feet so I stay weak.

I stay weak to pain because it comforts me. It allows me to feel and It’s the only thing I know for sure in this life that’ll come for me.

Because pain is all I see.

I am pain and pain is me.