mom guilt hits harder on tuesdays

Today I’m really sad.

It was the second day of daycare and my daughter Jazzy said she didn’t want to go. Yesterday she was excited — and today she’s scared and anxious.

My heart sank when she uttered those words.

Everything flashed through my mind. Is it just because she wants to be home with me? Did something happen yesterday and it’s making her anxious? Is she going to be okay today? Am I a bad mom for having my children in daycare knowing how much my husband and I were against it before we had children together?

Everything sank within me. Now I’m sitting at my desk… heart heavy.. watery eyes.. trying to focus on work when all I can think about are my babies.

There was a point in my life where all I wanted to be was a stay at home mom. Raising my babies. Nurturing them. Getting them ready for “big kid school”. That’s all I wanted. But I had to change my goals because in this economy, we absolutely cannot afford to live life on one income.

We are blessed to both have jobs to pay for everything. We are blessed beyond measure to be able to take care of our kids.

But on days like this… I miss the days where my only job in the morning was to wake up, make my coffee, and make mini pancakes for the kids.

I feel guilty for loving my job. I feel guilty for wanting this job.

I know that my girls need the interaction with other kids. I know they need to make friends. I know that I can’t be their only friend. I know all of this. But still… I sit here.. at my desk wondering if I’m doing the right thing. Even though I know I am — I wonder.

God… please get me through this day gracefully & protect my little babies while they are in preschool. I know that you will provide the protection. I know that everything will be okay. 😔