Seasons of Silence

it wasn’t until I cut out the noise of my apps that i realized how alone i really was. for the last few years, i had allowed unlimited access to myself. i was just a tweet away… an instagram story like away. the interactions that came with a false sense of “friendship” or belonging was addicting. it felt good to feel important. it felt good to know that people “cared”. I spoke a few blog posts ago about the fact that i’m a late bloomer when it comes to realizing how full of shit people really are.

since i was 13 years old, i had shared every aspect of my life on the internet. where i was going, what i was eating, what i was thinking, what my boyfriend at the time said that pissed me off — everything. in 2020, i let go of social media for a year. what’s funny is, i always tell people that 2020 was one of my best years. at the time i lived in new orleans and we had a blast. the unemployment and food stamp combo went crazy okay!? LISTEN 🤣. we went on road trips, we went down rabbit holes, we took trips to the beach, different parks, watched the river dance for hours… we felt free. no jobs holding us down, no people able to come within 6 feet of us (lets bring this back), and most importantly for me… i wasn’t online. i was living my life. i had no anxiety that year outside of COVID. i was truly free.

it wasn’t until recently that i correlated the fact that i was at my happiest that year because i was offline.

i think getting back on social media when i did was probably one of the biggest mistakes i’ve ever made in my life. the amount of people i’ve met over the years, became close with, and then lost? LOL. i mean… at first i thought i was the problem. and when i say problem i mean, there have been nights i sat up wondering and sending myself into an anxious spiral: did i do something wrong?

but i realized that the biggest problem was not that i had done anything wrong, it’s that i believed that people genuinely cared about me.

i truly believed it.

or maybe i just wanted to believe it.

but then i realized, when i took away the easy access — the noise stopped. my phone didn’t ring… at all. what once was 20+ notifications when i woke up in the morning was now nothing.

at first it was kind of weird — but i was told that turning 29 was going to be a fucking whirlwind of a revelation. friendships get tested, you begin to crave more depth, you outgrow people (or they outgrow you), and isolation begins to set it right before alignment. it’s called the “saturn return”.. google it. you’d be shocked at what you find.

so not only did i decide to get off of social media this year but now i have that colliding with my saturn return and HOLY SHIT. it almost broke me.

but i realized that yes, i do crave depth more now than ever. i dont connect well with surface level people or friendships the way i once did — it doesn’t do anything for me. i had friend once tell me that i needed to stop allowing surface level people into my life because i didn’t need anymore of that & i’m realizing that she was right.

there’s no reason for me to converse with anyone who only wants to be in my life because i have social media or just because they feel obligated to check in once a year or every blue moon.

this season of isolation is very personal but it’s personal for ME. i’m not mad at anyone. i don’t hate ANYONE and me at my big age? i’m not beefing with anyone. but i’ve come to learn that i was just a little too nice. i allowed too many people into my space and as a result? it increased my anxiety levels, it made me question my worth as a person once i took myself offline, and it did nothing good for me. nothing.

but now? i think the anxiety is starting to fade. i’m stepping into my routine of only being a blogger online and that’s it (maybe checking in on facebook a few times a year is more than likely what i’ll do). i don’t use my phone as much anymore. i’ve been learning new things everyday. i’m almost done with school! 2 more classes and i’m graduating!!! i’m so thankful for that. my season of silence, has also been my season of becoming.

i’m free. free from pressures that i didn’t need.

i’m also currently self studying french wines, the harlem renaissance and herbal teas. it’s been great actually. i’m putting together an encyclopedia for myself which will probably be done by the end of next year or mid 2027. i’m challenging myself to be at my most educated self by that time. so since i have all this free time now, along side my books, by the end of this year i should have :

• 🌿 Studied 20 herbal teas (Chamomile, Lavender, Peppermint + more)
• 🍷 Explored all major French wine regions (Champagne → Jura & Corsica)
• ✍🏽 Read and researched the core Harlem Renaissance thinkers & writers (Langston Hughes, Zora Neale Hurston, W.E.B. Du Bois, Alain Locke, etc.)
• 🌍 Learned about 12+ countries across Europe, Africa, Asia, and the Americas
• 🌊 Explored all 5 oceans and their key ecosystems (coral reefs, whales, penguins, krill)
• 🍳 Practiced essential culinary skills (bread, pasta, cheese, ferments, stocks, sauces)
• 🌱 Discovered herbal medicine basics (tinctures, salves, poultices, syrups, decoctions)
• 🌲 Gained intro survival skills (shelter, fire, water, knots, foraging, tracking)
• 🎨 Covered Renaissance to early modern art & music history, including the roots of jazz, blues, and gospel

this list is the list i created for myself last week and my goals to hit by December. i’m super excited. plus, i’ve been reading my bible everyday, building my relationship with God, journaling DAILY, reading (which has been nice… it had been a while since i was able to focus on a book without picking up my phone), and spending time with my little family. my youngest daughter turned two last weekend so we spent the day in new orleans (eating fried chicken and beignets), my son and i went to the library two weekends ago, got library cards and checked out books! that was really fun and i enjoyed it. i can’t wait to go back this weekend they are having an all ages paint class that we are gonna go to. me and a friend of mine also painted on facetime together last friday and drank wine and watched chick flicks LOL so that was fun too.

man, it feels good to be present in my life in ways i wasn’t before. i had really lost myself and my way. and i’ve found my way back — to my core self — and it feels SO fucking good. i figured it was a great blog post for today. so, wherever you are, i hope you have a blessed day. and always remember — you can decide to make changes in your life at any time. you can decide to change and become what a better person means to YOU .. not everyone else. love ya!