the heaviness of knowing you're destined for more 🌑

I’m not sure what God is trying to tell me these days.

Last year in October, I lost the job I was at for almost three years because well — I’m a mother. I have other responsibilities outside of my 9-5. My duties of being a mom were clashing with my ability to do my job efficiently because I couldn’t afford daycare at the time.

When I lost the job, what happened? I finished my first book. I had a book release party. I sold 60 signed copies! I did a podcast interview with a friend of mine — it was great. I took that time off to tap into my writer energy and I hit the ground running.

I locked in and got shit done.

When I say I’m a writer — I mean that.

Not only do I blog online and have an audience (shout out to 304 subs!), but I am an author. (A published author at that. If you enjoy urban romance/thrillers, buy my book! I’ll link it here. )

But I’ve been writing since I was in the third grade. I won a creative writing award that year, too. I’ve been doing this a long time.

I knew a long time ago that being a published author and living my dreams of writing and drinking a glass of Pinot Grigio at 2 PM on a Monday was the life that I wanted for myself. But then, the reality hit me.

Being a published author isn’t the hard part. It’s generating the income to sustain me and my family that’s the kicker.

When I think about the life I really want for myself, a regular 9-5 does not fit into that category. When I say regular, I really just mean a 9-5 that does not suit what I really want for my life.

If I’m going to be working a 9-5, it has to be something that fulfills me and allows me to tap into my writing and editing abilities.

I have been trying to allow myself to fit into a box — get a 9-5 and work, pay bills, write in my spare time, be a mom, a wife, etc… go to bed… wake up the next day and do it all over again.

But what if that’s not the life God wants for me?

What if my work is supposed to be the work that fulfills me? Writing and creating? What if that is my purpose?

The question is: How do I allow this work to generate income that will sustain me?

I don’t have the right answers.

No matter how many Substack posts come across my feed about how to grow, how to make money online, etc… none if will ever give me all of the answers.

All I know is this one thing — I am a writer. I am a creator. I AM the only tool I need. The only thing I need to do is figure out what works best for me.

It’s heavy though. It’s heavy knowing that you are more than being in the box of the 9-5, Monday-Friday hustle with only two days off. Now, I know there are some people who don’t want to work a 9-5, but they also have no other dreams or things they’re working on. I definitely don’t have the answers for those people. I’m speaking of the heaviness of knowing that you have a skill — a gift — that can make you money, but it’s not making the money you need at this time in your life.

It’s hard being in that limbo.

You KNOW for a fact that there is something else you’re supposed to be doing, but the weight of responsibilities in our modern world kind of hinder you from being able to tap into your fullest potential and put it to use in a way that will take care of you.

We all probably dream about quitting our jobs and working on our dreams, doing what we want, escaping the rat race, etc.

That’s all it is right now though. A dream.

This week, my job gave me the boot because I had to tend to my babygirl for a week who became ill from something that was caught in daycare. Was I upset? For a few hours.

But today I woke up with a different mindset. I may be unemployed, but I know that I am destined for more than working for a company that didn’t give a fuck about me or my child.

The wild thing is though, the week I had to take off — I was able to finish my second book. I am now working on edits to have it published on Amazon by October 1st.

The week after, I lost my job. Again. For the same reasons I lost my last one.

I’m realizing that with my lifestyle, certain jobs aren’t going to work out for me. I actually think I’m okay with that.

So what do I do with this information?

I write. I write. I publish. I write some more. At some point, my writing will sustain me. How do I know this? Because I believe in myself and my ability. I’m coming around to the thought that God wants more for me than to work a 9-5. I know this is a mindset that a lot of people are adapting these days and it’s amazing to see this revolution.

But I am not just saying it because it’s a hot topic. I’m saying it because I genuinely feel it in my bones. I wanted so badly to believe that maybe I could find a good 9-5, write in my spare time and everything would work out for me.

But here’s the thing: there is a happiness that lives in my body when I’m able to put hours of my day into my craft that I cannot deny. I feel FULL. I feel amazing. I feel like I’m doing what I’m supposed to do.

There is something more for me. I am supposed to be putting my best foot forward into my writing right now to see where it takes me.

Am I still job hunting? I have no choice.

But I have been given the time — yet again — to put my all into my craft. I have to take this chance and put my all into it.

Today I could be a small Substacker just writing anything I that comes to my mind.

By next year I could be sustaining myself because I put my all into my work.

Because I put my all into who I am.

This may not happen the way I see it, but who am I if I don’t try?

So, I say all this to say… I feel the heaviness right now. But the fog is starting to clear.

Maybe, now that I’m at the end of this post… I’m starting to understand what God is telling me.